THE NEED TO CONNECT IS REAL.
BY BETH DOUGLAS
Relationships are so incredibly vital to our existence. They give our lives ‘texture’ and meaning. Romantic relationships take many forms. For those who have been in long-term marriages especially, losing a spouse can be devastating. Some may vow to never again have a ‘companion’ or ‘significant other,’ but others may be open to finding someone special to spend time with – whether romantic or platonic. Emotional intimacy can provide a tremendous sense of purpose and fulfillment. After all, we are social creatures. The need to connect at any level is a need that can be as vital as food, water, and shelter.
“We are hardwired to connect with others. It’s what gives purpose and
meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.” – Brené Brown
Are Mature Adults Serious About Dating?
The National Library of Medicine reports that older adults typically report higher levels of satisfaction with their social relationships than younger adults. The number of cohabiting adults over 50 has risen 75% in the past decade, versus a 20-24% increase in all other age groups. Reports state that 55% of these boomer cohabitants are divorced and 13% are widowed, and 27% have never been married.
(Pew Research*)
The rise in adults living without a spouse or partner has also occurred against the backdrop of a third important demographic shift: the aging of American adults. Older adults (55 and older) are more likely to have a spouse or partner than younger adults. So it is surprising that the share of adults who are unpartnered has risen even though relatively more Americans are older.
“Love doesn’t make the world go ‘round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” -Franklin P. Jones
Professor Emerita Dr. Nancy K. Schlossberg, author of Too Young to Be Old, says senior relationships can be about a meaningful connection, which often includes sex or physical intimacy. They can also be about comfort and security, a close friendship, even marriage. Whatever the particular outcome, the importance of having a special relationship beyond close friends and family is important for many. AARP’s study, “Lifestyles, Dating and Romance: A Study of Midlife Singles,” pinpoints some broad gender differences: women desire companionship and men generally desire companionship and sex.
The takeaway, Dr. Schlossberg says, is that there are some things that connect all ages—the need to matter to someone else, the need to love and be loved, the need to be appreciated. To make this happen, she says it is necessary to identify your connectors—those people you know with whom you can discuss you
interest in meeting someone else. Then consider how you will reach people you do not know, possibly through social media or at a senior center. Every contact does not end in immediate success. Sometimes it takes contacting two or three connectors. It is a “what’s next” strategy that can work.
The beauty of older adults meeting at a senior centers is that it is, of course, an organic way to meet, that allows for activity-centered interaction. Many people find that making new friends can be two-fold; finding new people to laugh, converse, and have fun with – and also meeting new acquaintances that may turn into romantic relationships. With activities ranging from music and dance to art, chair yoga and other forms of exercise, senior activity centers fill a very important need for aging adults – the need to connect and interact with others.
Silver Linings of Dating for Mature People
Pepper Schwartz, PhD, author of Dating After 50 for Dummies and co-author of RX for Relationships, says that “Roles and relationships are changing. You don’t have to live together or see each other every day to be in a committed relationship. ‘Living apart together’ is an arrangement that lets people have the freedom to innovate how they have a relationship.”
Our priorities generally become different as we age. Schwartz also says that we are not usually as guided by “surface” attraction. As older adults, we tend to be more focused on personality. We may be looking for more of a peer. We have better values, are usually more evolved, and have a greater sense of gratitude.
The biggest percentage increase in dating has been in people over 50. Online dating is an option that more and more seniors are exploring in effort to find their special someone. Technology and online resources have become more common tools in
exploring the dating realm.
“Don’t get discouraged. It might take a little while. You’ll get more comfortable with dating as you go. Stay the course,” Schwartz adds. Don’t retreat into your world from fear. Have the confidence to give things a try. The potential rewards are well worth the risk.
Beth Douglas is a writer and marketing communications professional with a passion for communications in the area of healthcare, senior care, and dementia education. She resides in Bradenton, FL, and continues to be an advocate for quality care for the senior community.